I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
