Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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