The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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