yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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