at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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