I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
