Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dating After Heartbreak
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping