Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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