no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
