DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
