Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
