I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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