I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
