I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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