you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
