Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
