so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You ate ashes out of my bong
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
