i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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