Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
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