Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
