is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
