WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
This house was built for laser tag.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
