WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
