They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
