there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
