I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
this beer tastes like vomit already
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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