Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
