I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
