he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
