if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
