so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
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We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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