You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize