This is not my ceiling
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
