Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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