Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
