You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She bit a glass in half.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
