you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize