I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
