I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
