it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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