life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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