Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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