Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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