its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
