theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
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She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
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Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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