i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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