Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
