saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
