jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
