i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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