it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
