I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.