my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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